I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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