Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize