If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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