3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
