can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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