Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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