I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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