I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
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