I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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