I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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