Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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