I skipped work to stalk him.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
