If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
