I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
