Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
