I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
