I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
