is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
