just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
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