The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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