so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
