Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
