I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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