dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
