I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
