chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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