I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I have aggressive nipples.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
