im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
