I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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