my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
