He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
