I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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