once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Two words: nipple clamps
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