he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
