Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
