It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
