You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
