I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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