Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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