How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
