Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
