Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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