it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
