dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
