can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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