Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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