i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
