tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
