the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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