the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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