Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
