1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
