My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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