So drunk its hurt
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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