There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
