your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
