my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
