Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
