Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
